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Naughty Cooking Tips

Today’s post definitely falls within the category of : ‘and now for something completely different…’

A couple of weeks ago, Madam Weeble over at Fear No Weebles (a blog I follow and urge you to check out) posted a little piece entitled The Obligatory Search Term Post in which she lamented that none of the search terms bringing people to her site were ‘dirty or really demented’. Getting hits from sexually bizarre search terms is, apparently, a common experience for bloggers, even though their subject is not remotely pornographic, and many have written posts describing the experience.

My WordPress ‘stats’ page lists all the search terms that people have used to find my blog and, thus far, all have been strictly food related. One of the comments to Madam Weeble’s post read: ‘put the words “naked, nude or boner” in your posts and you will see some freaky ass search terms’. This got me thinking… It would, it seems to me, be a very interesting experiment to do a post on, say, useful cooking tips, and work in as many ‘naughty’ words as possible. Now, I realize that this is a totally cheap, not to mention utterly shameless, way to drive up blog ‘traffic’, but it might provide an interesting subject for a post a few months down the road…

By the way, my introductory picture is reproduced with kind permission of Jess over at Naked Vegan Cooking (yes, such a site exists). I very much hope that the picture hasn’t caused any of more sensitive readers to immediately cancel their subscriptions and I should say, before going on, that if naughty words and pictures aren’t your cup of tea, you may wish not to read on…

In order to find some appropriate pictures for this post, I did a Google search of ‘Naked cooking’ and was very surprised to see just how popular this pastime seems to be. Not only did I discover the ‘Naked Vegan Cooking’ blog, I also discovered (and I swear this is true) that it is possible, should you be so inclined, to learn cooking techniques from naked women. No, really… click on the picture featuring phallic asparagus above and it will take you to a site where, for the moderate sum of $6.95 a month, you can receive regular culinary instruction from pretty women who are totally nude!

For the rest of this post, I will be highlighting all the ‘naughty’ tag-words in RED so that you can see which terms I am hoping to bring ‘hits’ on my site. My wife would never forgive me if there wasn’t a NAKED man  somewhere included so… here, Darlene,  is a picture of a PENIS for you. I am sorry that this is not an outrageously humongous DONG (SCHLONG, TALLEYWHACKER,  etc.) but this was the best on-topic picture I could find. If it is any compensation at least, the guy looks serious enough about culinary things to have achieved a semi ERECTION (if not being fully ERECT).

Okay… there is no topical reason for including the picture of Alex (a Naked Vegan Cook) here.  I just happen to find her desperately HOT and I need and excuse to work her (delightful) NIPPLES into my post.  Oh, in point of fairness, I should note that my wife gets the screaming THIGH sweats every time Val Kilmer appears on TV so she is pretty accommodating when I go LIMP-kneed over some unobtainable beauty…

Anyway… Here are my NAUGHTY cooking tips (for whatever they may be worth):

  1. When cooking NUDE, avoid foods that splatter;
  2. For De-BONING a chicken, a fish filleting knife makes a good de-BONER;
  3. Hens make good stock but a Capon (being a young CASTRATED male chicken , or COCK) is much preferred.
  4. Braciola is an Italian delicacy whose PHALLIC rolled-meat appearance gave rise to the use of the name as a slang term for penis, rather like WANG or TUBE-STEAK.
  5. Bull TESTICLES are often served as ‘Prairie Oysters’. The SCROTUM is usually discarded.
  6. If the appearance of clams in the shell makes you think of gaping VAGINA ‘s then close your eyes and just savor the taste

Somebody sent me this pic… It is a good one for this post as it allows me to add SNATCH and SHAVED to my tag-words’ I am not sure what ‘Snatch’ means… PUSSY maybe? BUM just wouldn’t make sense.

Well, anyway… it is disappointing that I couldn’t include terms  like ****, ****, **** , or ************ in this post, but I can only push the premise so far. Accordingly, I am challenging my readers (those of less than fragile sensibilities, at least) to respond with comments that include ‘naughty’ words in a culinary context. Please be more clever (if not more tasteful) than me.

Anyway … keep a look out over the next couple of months. With luck, I may be able to follow up with an interesting look at search terms used to reach my blog…

Oh yeah … ASS of PORK is a kind of RUMP roast.

36 Comments Post a comment
  1. Don’t forget about the lobster SCREAMING when it goes into the boiling water.

    Not to mention oysters are an APHRODISIAC, sure to get your juices flowing.

    One last thing.. make sure to POUND your chicken BREASTS nice and thin so they are SUCCULENT and TENDER after you cook them and then BATHE them in a delicious lemon sauce.

    September 6, 2012
    • My first comment and already a bunch of ‘tags’ I didn’t think of 🙂

      September 6, 2012
  2. PrincessBlaya #

    After reading this, I’m now really conscious that everything I write sounds really seedy, even when it’s perfectly innocent!

    September 6, 2012
  3. I’d love to know what that dish is that the naked vegan cooks have prepared in that first photo! 🙂 Also, excuse me while I go apply a RUB to this evening’s RUMP roast. YUM.

    September 6, 2012
    • I see from my wordpress stats that, so far, five people have clicked the link to NakedVeganCooks … they must have been curious too 🙂

      September 6, 2012
  4. Speechless 🙂

    September 6, 2012
    • Sometimes you just have to take a break from seriousness 🙂

      September 6, 2012
  5. Hahahaha! Don’t forget to marinate the RUMP to be able to get it JUICY, and use up all the LIQUIDS left over. Also, it is preferable to use a lemon juicer tool so you won’t SQUIRT any JUICE in your eyes. Also make sure your oven is very HOT before you INSERT your capon aka COCK so you won’t undercook the THIGHS and remove the BREASTS a little before so they will stay MOIST.
    Didn’t know that cooking was so NAUGHTY!

    September 6, 2012
    • Yes, but even after all these years of experience it is still HARD occasionally….

      BTW, have you thought of writing romance novels?

      September 6, 2012
  6. Hahahaha! No, but maybe I’m in the wrong profession? A romantic cooking guide perhaps?

    September 6, 2012
  7. How very funny. I must share that two of my favorite tee shirts have salacious slogans for innocent products: honey and carnuba (surfboard) wax: ENJOY HEALTH – EAT YOUR HONEY and…RUB IT EASY, MAKE IT HARD!!!! What a fun way to start my day. Your POST THRUST into my blurry morning blahs and the blahs beCAME SURGING DEEP THROATED guffaws.

    September 6, 2012
    • LOL … love the tees! I was a little afraid that this post might fall flat but after the amusing comments so far I rather wish I had spent more time on it… I am hoping that search engines can pick up on the ‘tag’ words in blog comments so as to get all the great ones I missed myself!

      September 6, 2012
  8. Reblogged this on The Food Nazi and commented:
    This one is too good to pass up!

    September 6, 2012
    • Thanx very much for the reblog. I hope your readers like it. I gave your site a look see and just followed!

      September 6, 2012
      • Thanx I appreciate the follow… I said this post was too good not to share…..kudos.

        September 6, 2012
  9. Well, this will teach me to pull up my blogs at work! (Now even that sentence sounds suggestive!). You caught me off-guard, but since my office is private, I stayed with it! Hilarious! You may now have a whole new following! Only you will know whether or not this was a good idea! Ha! Debra

    September 6, 2012
    • Or… I may get a lot of hate mail from people who were disappointed by their search results 🙂

      September 6, 2012
  10. Hilarious!! I want to know what the stats look like now 🙂

    September 6, 2012
    • Nothing ‘demented’ to report yet. I expect it may take a while, that’s why I figured on not doing a follow up for a month or so… I’d like it to be earlier tho 🙂

      September 6, 2012
  11. Thanx for the Monty Python reference and snatch is an old term for just what you think ……just ask us old farts LOL

    September 6, 2012
  12. Hilarious!

    September 6, 2012
  13. Le Clown #

    I laughed my balls right off. My choda’s in pain. Brilliant.
    Le Clown

    September 6, 2012
    • Glad you enjoyed. I had to Google Choda … here’s wishing a speedy recovery 🙂

      September 6, 2012
  14. Victor #

    Ha ha ha…how many bottles of red wine have you had before writing this post? Hilarious! More nudist cooks at home! LOL!

    September 12, 2012
  15. I absolutely love it!!! I often cook with nothing more than my undies on (and sometimes not even that). It’s simply too hot here! Spitting oil on my bare chest is an occupational hazard….definitely sharpens the reflexes though!!

    September 12, 2012
  16. I’m interested to see what your findings are. With a lot of porn related phrases and tags on my blog I’ve seen several rather interesting search phrases show up as well. Mine have been a little on the naughtier side even that what I’m going to hypothesize yours will be. Keep us posted!

    October 19, 2012
    • I’ve been collecting search phrases, I am going to be working on a post while I am away next week … be a few weeks before I post though.

      October 19, 2012
  17. This is so funny! #

    While some people prefer to BEAT their MEAT, I find SPANKING the ROUND RUMP to be much more SATISFYING.

    Be sure to WHIP your potatoes very FIRM to make a nice CHAIN dollups for a PLEASING presentation.

    When injecting your turky, DEEP PENETRATION will provide MOIST THIGHS as well as SUCCULANT BREASTS.

    I have some foreign friends who have requested horse stew. I don’t have a horse, but I do have an old ASS that does nothing but EAT my roses. Surely this donkey will be a good FARM ANIMAL substitute for horse?

    A LONG DING DONG covered with whip cream makes excellant desert to TOP anything off.

    December 6, 2012
  18. This is so funny! #

    PS — Don’t forget to ENTER your kitchen from the REAR when allowing the DOGGIE in to clean up scraps. This will keep you in great STYLE, and is a TECHNIQUE I use for MULTIPLE parties.

    If you SPREAD the turky LEGS too wide there will be a lot of scraps as stuffing SLIPS OUT.

    If your party is around the HOT TUB or at an outdoor NUDIST camp allow the PUPS to roam as they will and LICK UP any crumbs.

    Rethinking the dessert thing, CREAMPIE is probably much better than old DONGS.

    December 6, 2012
  19. That was hilarious! Thank you for the laughs! 🙂

    September 3, 2013
  20. Very entertaining! Let’s face it, with the rise of food porn, this post is a good way to get hits.

    My boyfriend actually sent me this link, and now I’m wondering what keywords led him there and if I really want to know…

    July 20, 2014
    • LOL … Possibly he was just looking for a decent asparagus recipe?

      July 20, 2014

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