Readers of my Naughty Cooking Tips article posted in early September will recall the exercise was nothing more than a shameless attempt to drive up traffic to my blog by including salacious terms like ‘naked’, ‘nude’ and ‘boner’ in an otherwise innocent posting. I did, however, promise at the time to do a follow-up post and share the results of my efforts.

Well, after two months or so of watching the search term statistics of my blog I have to report that the yield has been disappointingly bereft of the truly ‘dirty or really demented’ (to use the words of my blogger friend, Madam Weebles). It was, in fact, Ms. Weebles’ own ‘Obligatory Search Term Post’ that inspired my project, but, thus far, my use of her suggestion has resulted in not much more than just visits from the merely mildly demented. Still, the returns have been somewhat interesting…

Oh… the opening picture? I always try to include at least one image in all of my posts but, for the life of me, I couldn’t think of anything fitting for this one so I just opted to include a picture of yours truly in the ‘altogether’. I should hasten to add, in case you were wondering, that this is *not* a current photograph. Nowadays, I am quite a bit hairier and much, much bigger. Well… taller, at least…

Anyway… on to the results:

Naked Vegan Cooking

Since I mentioned the culinary blog Naked Vegan Cooking several times in my original post, I really wasn’t that surprised that I received search engine hits from people obviously looking for that site, or querying it in some way. Popular terms were as follows:

• Naked vegan cooking;
• Naked vegan cooking Alex;
• Alex naked vegan;
• Who is Alex off the naked vegan;
• Jess naked vegan.

When I began this experiment, I simply added any interesting terms I came across to a growing list. I am sorry, though, that I didn’t also record the number of times a given term came up because some (and the above ones were near the top) came up a LOT…

BTW … Alex, you may recall was the very pretty young lady whose picture I featured in my original post. I rather suspect that the interest in her shown by those searching her name is a bit less than culinary. I personally haven’t been checking back with that site as often as I did at first because my culinary don’t run to vegan. It is not, I hasten to assure you, because I noted that almost all the full frontal shots are of guys (and *not* Alex).

…

Naughty Cooking in General

I can’t (or at least, didn’t) count the number of times that I received hits from people searching for ‘Nude cooking’, ‘Naked cooking’ or ‘Cooking in the nude’. While I was writing my ‘Naughty Cooking Tips’ post, I Googled ‘nude cooking’ in order to find suitable photographs to use and I was astounded at the returns. The hits at my blog alone only served to emphasize what an immensely surprising interest people seem to have in this activity!

Less frequently, but no less interestingly, were the following terms that led people to my blog:

‘claire cook nude’

Okay. This one I had to check out… After all, it raised three very serious questions:

Who is Claire? What is she cooking? and (more importantly) What does she look like naked?

Well, it turns out that the ‘cook’ in the query has nothing to do with cookery at all and is actually a surname. There is, it appears, an actual Claire Cook (of apparent interest to someone) and you can see her picture here. Coincidentally, although there is no real cooking being don in the picturese, Ms. Cook *does* appear to be in the kitchen and…yes, she is most definitely naked!

Oh … by the way, I *will* be watching my stats to see how many of you click the above link.

‘photos of my wife cooking nude’

These words actually appeared in my search engine stats this morning and certainly made me wonder why anyone would be wanting to search for nude pictures of their own wife (cooking or otherwise). That’s not to disparage my own personal spouse in any way, of course, but let’s face it, after almost fifteen years of marriage, I have seen my beloved naked at the refrigerator (if not the stove) plenty of times and, even if the novelty hasn’t worn off at all, it is still something I can see anytime without exercising my typing skills…

That being said, it occurs to me that the searcher in question may have some lurking suspicion that someone has been taking surreptitious photographs of his wife nude in the kitchen and then posting them online. A curious fear, perhaps, but one would think the guy would want to be a little more specific rather than saying ‘my wife’ as this might be a bit tricky for the search engines to say the least. Personally, I can see more sense in doing a search for naked pictures of *your* wife (and, kind readers, you can save me the trouble by sending appropriate… well, preferably inappropriate… ones as attachments to me here at sybaritica.mail@gmail.com ).

‘cooking with an erection’

Obviously, this could be achieved either naked or clothed but, come on… I love cooking but the only wood I’m holding in my kitchen is pretty much my favorite spoon. I’ll leave my readers to try this search term out for themselves.

…

Naughty-ish (and not food related)…

Yes… purely a gratuitous picture of a naked woman here, but I just liked it. I’m afraid I can’t remember where I found it so if the subject of the picture objects and wishes to give me a richly deserved spanking for the lack of proper credit, see my e-mail address above. For the rest of you, here are the naughty search terms that came up after my post:

“Naked Vagina” – ‘nuff said about this… One can only assume the originator is about 13.

“Semi Erection” – Looking for pictures or a cure, I wonder?

“Delightfully Erect” – A little more cheerfully ambitious than the previous entry. I certainly hope that the searcher was ‘delighted’ by whatever he or she found.

…

Possibly Salacious … definitely odd.

Some of the search terms I received were a bit curious, such as the meaningless ‘;..,,,, m/;.,, bczn lkk’, which clearly suggests somebody just idly messing around (although it did make me ponder why it led to a hit at my blog). Many others were just as nonsensical but a few, such as those below, were definitely worth noting:

“bitter gourd I have a cold” – Is this some sort of supplication to a divine vegetable? Maybe as in: ‘O, Great Bitter Gourd, I have a cold. Please save your unworthy servant from this terrible affliction’?

“Sit on ice” – No idea on this one. However, it appeared on the same day as ‘semi erection’ so possibly there is a connection.

“Simple experiment on skin” – This is just a little too sinister to ponder.

“I ate too much shepherds pie” – Bragging, or looking for medical help?

“Trip my wife” – Is this guy looking for tips or suggestions? I could write a separate post on the topic I suppose.

“name of fingers in English” – Actually, I thought ‘fingers’ is in English. However, if anybody is interested, I call the ones on my right hand: ‘Pinky’, ‘Ringo’, ‘Stinky’, ‘Diddles’ and ‘the Hitch’.

“Kinki Asian under table” – Since I wrote a review of an Asian fusion restaurant called Kinki some months ago, I inclined to think that the searcher had this place in mind. Still, the other possibilities are interesting to think about.

And finally …

“Lay prawns flat” – Oh yes, oh yes… oh baby, oh baby!!

…

The final results in conclusion…

Well, while the search terms I looked at provided a mild bit of amusement the experiment has to be regarded as something of a failure in that I really didn’t notice any actual increase in traffic to my blog over the last couple of months. I have to conclude that the terms I selected, being individual words, were far too general and thus search engines queried with them hit other sites with greater frequency. Accordingly, in order to troll for the truly perverse and demented, I need to be more creative and complex. Perhaps my readers might help … when you are at the office and merely pretending to work, perhaps you could try searching the following terms, see whether they lead to my blog, and report any other interesting results:

Lithuanian testicle catapults

9-volt drool spoons

Squid poking rules

Granny butt-wagon racing

Oh … and Asparagus Nipples?

So help me God, folks, such things *REALLY * exist. Yes, I actually did a search using this term and found them. You may be disappointed, but you can see them here:

Actual Asparagus Nipples

…